[ Jesse let's out a breath at Jane's words. He should have known his hurried answer wouldn't satisfy her, and really, it shouldn't. An answer like that might make sense to someone else in the business like Saul or Mr. White, but to Jane? She deserves to know more as badly as he just wants to forget everything. Even more than that, he tries to keep his life with Jane as separate from his work life as possible. But, when something like this happens, it's not like he can expect her to just not ask questions. ]
Y'know how I told you there was this charity event goin' on? So...turns out it was, like, a punching booth? Y'know. Toss some money in the jar, get to knock a guy around. Most people took it as a joke but this one guy. He, like. He hit hard. And--i don't know, I just...I kept egging him on. Kept getting up and asking for it. I just. I couldn't stop. I...a part of me felt like. I don't know.
[ Jesse trails off, tensing up a little. Pushing thoughts of Gale farther and farther away. It still feels like a dream. It still doesn't feel real that he's done the one thing he thought he'd never resort to. He hasn't told Jane yet and that's mostly because it hasn't even fully sunk in for himself that it's really happened. That he's a murderer. ]
Turns out he knew who I was and who I work for. My boss--he's got some beef with a Cartel across the border. Guess they're trying to send him a message next time I show up to work looking like fuckin' Rocky Balboa after a few rounds.
[ Jesse let's out a bitter scoff, not sure quite how his life ended up like this. It's all so absurd it's hardly believable, and he knows that. But it's the truth. ]
[Jane's stomach does a tiny flip at the way he trails off. And the way he says he 'doesn't know', when she suspects that he definitely does know; that he knows what was inside of him that possessed him to keep antagonizing this guy.]
Felt like what? [Her voice is soft and uncertain, at first, but then she repeats herself, louder and more forcefully.] A part of you felt like -- what, Jesse?
[Jane pulls her legs up underneath her and sits on top of them. Both of her hands reach for both of his, to hold onto, to try to reassure him somehow. She searches his face for some clue, some explanation, but there's nothing there that helps her makes sense of any of this.]
Cartel?
[It's not like she should be surprised to hear that. She knows what he does. She knows how much money is involved, too. And yet hearing that word spoken out loud still shocks her. She knew Jesse had to be in pretty deep, but somehow she didn't realize it was that deep.]
Is everything okay? [Stupid question! Of course everything isn't "okay"...] What's going on?
[She doesn't just mean after his trip to Mexico, either.]
[ Jesse's lost in his own head as he trails off, flashes of Gale flitting through his mind as he closes his eyes. He has to shake his head for the visions to leave him, jumping visibly as Jane raises her voice to ask him again. A part of you felt like --what, Jesse? His blue eyes shift towards her as he spits the words out before he realizes what he's doing, as if it's just an instinctual reaction to her raised voice--as if the words were startled right out of him. ]
Like I deserved it.
[ It comes out before he can think--before he can make something else up instead and, of course, that'll only lead to more questions or to some reassurance that no, he's not the worst person on the planet. That he doesn't deserve to have the shit kicked out of him or whatever else she'll try to lift his spirits with. The problem is that he does deserve it. At least he thinks he does. If you just do shit and get away with it, suffer no consequences, what's even the point?
His body jars again when Jane grabs both of his hands, but he squeezes them after a moment, finally daring to meet her eyes with his. Only his are shining with unshed tears now. If she knew what these hands were capable of, would she still want to hold them? Jesse wonders, a crushing pain squeezing in his chest at the realization that he could very well lose everything. ]
This cartel family. They want a piece of my boss's profits. They want in on the operation and he's dragging his feet. He doesn't want to make deals with them. So one of their guys decided to use me to send him a message. I'm one half of his cook operation. Anything happens to me and his business comes to a standstill. They're warning him.
[ Jane's brow furrows when Jesse jumps like that at the sound of her voice. Like he thinks she's going to hit him or something. It's an understandable reaction to have for someone who's already been hit so many times, but it feels like there's more to it than that.
His words confirm as much. ]
Why do you think you deserve it?
[ Jane's impulse is to get angry and tell him in no uncertain terms that he doesn't deserve it, and Mr. White or his other boss or whoever is telling him this and making him feel this way needs to go piss up a rope already.
But she doesn't. Something inside her tells her to wait. Ask questions.
It makes her heart hurt when something as simple as touching his hands makes him jumpy like that. Jesse's always been emotional, but he wasn't like this when she first met him. Something changed. Jane just wishes she knew what it was.
She tries not to let the shock show on her face when he starts talking about some "cartel guy". The drug cartels are bad news, and in all her years of using, Jane has never had to come face-to-face with anyone who was in any way high up in that hierarchy. At least, not that she's aware of, anyway. ]
So if he doesn't cut this deal, what then? Are they going to come back looking for you again?
Because of the things I've done. The things I've...had to do.
[ Jesse says, vaguely. It's not giving her details, but it's giving her something. It's painfully obvious that he's done something that he isn't sure he can ever be forgiven for. By himself or anybody else. ]
He'll cut a deal. He can't afford to let any of his chemists go. It's just me and Mr. White. That's all he's got, and if either one of us gets offed, the other's not gonna do shit for him. We already established that. So, looks like my boss is just gonna have to cut some kinda deal. Make things work.
[ Sure, it's easier said than done and he knows--painfully--that it isn't enough to put Jane at ease. Not entirely. But it's all he's got, and so, in spite of his cracked ribs and his battered body and his swollen shut eye, he sits up and turns towards her and pulls her closer so he can curl an arm around her protectively. ]
[ He might be the one curling his arm around her, like he's trying to protect her, but Jane can't help feeling like he's the one who needs protection.
She's a little bit dazed, and she's not even the one who's been through all of this shit. She rests her head on his shoulder, and she tries to think about what she say, anything can do, to make him feel better. ]
At least let me bandage you or something. Does your boss or Mr. White or anyone like that know any sketchy criminal doctors? [ Doesn't exactly sound like the kind of thing you can go to the hospital for, after all. She squirms out from under his arm and hops up. She doesn't know if the flimsy little First Aid kit she has will even do anything against the extent of his injuries. But she hates seeing him like this.
She sucks in a breath, before she goes to get the First Aid kit from under the sink and sits down again beside him. She cracks it open, but she can tell just by looking a lot of this is for things much smaller than what they're dealing with.
As she rummages for something that might help even a little, she goes back to something else he said. ]
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zvi
no subject
Date: 2023-01-10 03:09 am (UTC)Y'know how I told you there was this charity event goin' on? So...turns out it was, like, a punching booth? Y'know. Toss some money in the jar, get to knock a guy around. Most people took it as a joke but this one guy. He, like. He hit hard. And--i don't know, I just...I kept egging him on. Kept getting up and asking for it. I just. I couldn't stop. I...a part of me felt like. I don't know.
[ Jesse trails off, tensing up a little. Pushing thoughts of Gale farther and farther away. It still feels like a dream. It still doesn't feel real that he's done the one thing he thought he'd never resort to. He hasn't told Jane yet and that's mostly because it hasn't even fully sunk in for himself that it's really happened. That he's a murderer. ]
Turns out he knew who I was and who I work for. My boss--he's got some beef with a Cartel across the border. Guess they're trying to send him a message next time I show up to work looking like fuckin' Rocky Balboa after a few rounds.
[ Jesse let's out a bitter scoff, not sure quite how his life ended up like this. It's all so absurd it's hardly believable, and he knows that. But it's the truth. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-10 05:06 am (UTC)Felt like what? [Her voice is soft and uncertain, at first, but then she repeats herself, louder and more forcefully.] A part of you felt like -- what, Jesse?
[Jane pulls her legs up underneath her and sits on top of them. Both of her hands reach for both of his, to hold onto, to try to reassure him somehow. She searches his face for some clue, some explanation, but there's nothing there that helps her makes sense of any of this.]
Cartel?
[It's not like she should be surprised to hear that. She knows what he does. She knows how much money is involved, too. And yet hearing that word spoken out loud still shocks her. She knew Jesse had to be in pretty deep, but somehow she didn't realize it was that deep.]
Is everything okay? [Stupid question! Of course everything isn't "okay"...] What's going on?
[She doesn't just mean after his trip to Mexico, either.]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-10 01:19 pm (UTC)Like I deserved it.
[ It comes out before he can think--before he can make something else up instead and, of course, that'll only lead to more questions or to some reassurance that no, he's not the worst person on the planet. That he doesn't deserve to have the shit kicked out of him or whatever else she'll try to lift his spirits with. The problem is that he does deserve it. At least he thinks he does. If you just do shit and get away with it, suffer no consequences, what's even the point?
His body jars again when Jane grabs both of his hands, but he squeezes them after a moment, finally daring to meet her eyes with his. Only his are shining with unshed tears now. If she knew what these hands were capable of, would she still want to hold them? Jesse wonders, a crushing pain squeezing in his chest at the realization that he could very well lose everything. ]
This cartel family. They want a piece of my boss's profits. They want in on the operation and he's dragging his feet. He doesn't want to make deals with them. So one of their guys decided to use me to send him a message. I'm one half of his cook operation. Anything happens to me and his business comes to a standstill. They're warning him.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-13 03:50 am (UTC)His words confirm as much. ]
Why do you think you deserve it?
[ Jane's impulse is to get angry and tell him in no uncertain terms that he doesn't deserve it, and Mr. White or his other boss or whoever is telling him this and making him feel this way needs to go piss up a rope already.
But she doesn't. Something inside her tells her to wait. Ask questions.
It makes her heart hurt when something as simple as touching his hands makes him jumpy like that. Jesse's always been emotional, but he wasn't like this when she first met him. Something changed. Jane just wishes she knew what it was.
She tries not to let the shock show on her face when he starts talking about some "cartel guy". The drug cartels are bad news, and in all her years of using, Jane has never had to come face-to-face with anyone who was in any way high up in that hierarchy. At least, not that she's aware of, anyway. ]
So if he doesn't cut this deal, what then? Are they going to come back looking for you again?
[ Her stomach hurts. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-01-13 06:00 pm (UTC)[ Jesse says, vaguely. It's not giving her details, but it's giving her something. It's painfully obvious that he's done something that he isn't sure he can ever be forgiven for. By himself or anybody else. ]
He'll cut a deal. He can't afford to let any of his chemists go. It's just me and Mr. White. That's all he's got, and if either one of us gets offed, the other's not gonna do shit for him. We already established that. So, looks like my boss is just gonna have to cut some kinda deal. Make things work.
[ Sure, it's easier said than done and he knows--painfully--that it isn't enough to put Jane at ease. Not entirely. But it's all he's got, and so, in spite of his cracked ribs and his battered body and his swollen shut eye, he sits up and turns towards her and pulls her closer so he can curl an arm around her protectively. ]
I'm not goin' anywhere...I swear.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-14 09:51 pm (UTC)She's a little bit dazed, and she's not even the one who's been through all of this shit. She rests her head on his shoulder, and she tries to think about what she say, anything can do, to make him feel better. ]
At least let me bandage you or something. Does your boss or Mr. White or anyone like that know any sketchy criminal doctors? [ Doesn't exactly sound like the kind of thing you can go to the hospital for, after all. She squirms out from under his arm and hops up. She doesn't know if the flimsy little First Aid kit she has will even do anything against the extent of his injuries. But she hates seeing him like this.
She sucks in a breath, before she goes to get the First Aid kit from under the sink and sits down again beside him. She cracks it open, but she can tell just by looking a lot of this is for things much smaller than what they're dealing with.
As she rummages for something that might help even a little, she goes back to something else he said. ]
What have you "had to do?" Besides this?