...I'll figure it out later. [A sudden wave of rage at her uncle sweeps through her - she'd had an apartment and a job and a life and now she was scared of staying out too long. It's like she's twelve all over again, trying to figure out the steps to a dance she's set up to lose.
She looks down at herself for a long moment, hesitating. There's smears and drops of blood on the rest of her outfit. The pastel skirt she slapped over her jeans to provide - some kind of femininity has a smear across it. Her shirt survived, but it's thin and she knows it's a man's cut and she doesn't want to think about the way her shoulders look in it. The tie-dye hoodie was silly, but Nick hadn't taken it from her. All said...she doesn't know if she actually wants one of Jesse's.]
Only if it's pretty enough. [She smiles, but really, it isn't a big deal to her - especially if she's the one who landed Jesse in trouble.
She looks up at him from under her hair, a little embarrassed by what he's saying.]
I...I can keep my head under pressure. Tha's all. [Her head is starting to spin a little, but every blink sends her spinning, so she forces herself to keep watching Jesse. She thinks about what she said about Jesse when he confessed. She's such an ass...] Sorry.
[ Jesse nods at El's answer and leaves it at that. She knows best how to deal with things with her uncle. Jesse doesn't know the guy. Not personally, anyway. He only 'knows' him vicariously through what El's told him and by building a mental image based on his experiences with other people like him, involved in the trade.
It doesn't paint a good picture, but El seems like she can handle herself pretty well. He doesn't want her thinking he sees her as weak or anything, even if he's not sure she'd ask for his help even if she actually needed it. She doesn't seem like the type, but Jesse's usually pretty good at reading people so he lets it go for now. He cringes a little at the sight of his own blood spattering El's clothing. He's not sure if it's worse that he ruined her clothes or that it's his blood that ruined them. ]
Peroxide's sometimes good at, uh, gettin' out blood stains. Peroxide and cold water. Warm'll make it set in. I mean, the hoodie's done for but you might be able to salvage the rest...
[ He gestures to her other clothing. ]
Can't say I have any real pretty hoodies. I mean, I have some sparkly shit but. Pretty sure it'll all be pretty big on you. It's all pretty big on me.
[ He thinks for a minute, wrinkling up his nose. Yeah, that's probably not gonna cut it. ]
I can toss you some cash, though. Then you can buy whatever clothes you want.
[ Jesse pauses when El apologizes suddenly and he furrows his brows, shifting on the bed so he can turn towards her a little more, where she's sitting off to the side. It doesn't even occur to him what she's apologizing for. He's already forgotten what she said to him. Mainly because of the pain but also, sadly, he's kind of used to having fucked up shit said to him. Even worse than what she'd said, usually. Mr. White has a habit of reminding Jesse of what a worthless junkie idiot he is whenever things don't go as planned. Jesse's grown kind of used to it. ]
[Oh, she's definitely drunk now. Ellie listens to Jesse ramble, a little delayed, but she twitches up to stare at him when he says he can toss her some cash.
It's insulting, in some deep-set way that stretches back to the mountains that birthed her. Money for a little blood? What, is she some kind of mercenary, so cruel she'd wring coin from an injured man for a stained hoodie? What's more upsetting is that she wants to agree, just so she has more dope money. How much can she claim the gas station tie-dye was worth? Is it enough to buy an ounce? A gram? Is it enough to make the rest of her life go away for a few hours? Forever? She can feel the rage growing in her stomach.]
Are you stupid? [She slurs, instead of answering that other question, or telling him yes so she can resume her cycles.] To a junkie?! All I'm gonna do is buy dope with it! Better light it on fire, you'll get more out of it!
[Her voice deepens as she shouts, frays, and she sits back with a hard thump of her palms against her forehead. If Jesse clocks her off her voice... God. This is how she ruined every one of her relationships and this is how she'll keep ruining them. All because he was trying to be nice.]
[ Are You stupid? The line echoes in Jesse's head, his gaze going blank as he replays every time Mr. White called him an idiot or made him feel like he'd never amount to anything. That all he's good for is cooking and selling meth and how he can't even get that right half the time. He feels his blood start to boil, his breaths starting to pick up pace. He grits his teeth, setting his jaw as El keeps going. The sudden rise in her voice makes him flinch and he bellows back at her suddenly. ]
I'm not fuckin' stupid, yo! I'm just tryin' t'be nice! It's not like you came to me trying to get off the stuff. Christ, I met you at a house party so don't go acting like I pulled your ass out of an NA meeting or some shit. What you do with your cash is your fuckin' business, same with me.
[ He picks up on the deepening of El's voice, but doesn't question it. He's been around all types of people and, as someone who isn't prejudiced towards anybody in particular, it doesn't sink in that she might be different than any other chick her age. Transphobic people are more likely to pick out any subtle differences, and Jesse just isn't the type. Not to mention, he's too busy getting pissed at all the assumptions it feels like El is making about him. ]
You wanna get clean, then do it. You can't expect other people to make that shit easy for you 'cause it's not! It's fuckin' hard. You think people on the streets who lost everything to drugs want to be in that position? They're in it 'cause some people can't stop. Some people--some people only stop when it kills 'em.
[ Jesse's voice trembles on that last part, threatening to break. He alerts his gaze as he tries to blink away the threat of tears, eyes going glassy. Of course he's thinking about Jane. It's been a long time, but it still hurts sometimes. He wonders why he does this to himself--if it's worth it surrounding himself with people he knows will probably i y end uo dead if they don't change just because he doesn't want to live in his own head with his dark thought and darker memories. ]
I-- [El stops, watching Jesse blink back tears, feeling like she's just had the floor dropped out from under her. How many times had she made her little brother and sister cry like this while she was drunk? How she used to yell because it was still better than their parents?]
...your party's the safest place I've been in months, why do you think I go? [No room with her uncle is safe. She can't sleep near him unless she uses, and wakes up panicking about what might have happened while she was out.
Fuck this, she decides suddenly, and decides to employ conflict resolution by getting up and walking the fuck out the door. It's easier said than done, and she just ends up leaning against the wall.]
Sorry about this. [She gestures at herself, a clumsy motion where she hits her own chest. Ugh.]
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zvi
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Date: 2023-03-18 12:57 am (UTC)She looks down at herself for a long moment, hesitating. There's smears and drops of blood on the rest of her outfit. The pastel skirt she slapped over her jeans to provide - some kind of femininity has a smear across it. Her shirt survived, but it's thin and she knows it's a man's cut and she doesn't want to think about the way her shoulders look in it. The tie-dye hoodie was silly, but Nick hadn't taken it from her. All said...she doesn't know if she actually wants one of Jesse's.]
Only if it's pretty enough. [She smiles, but really, it isn't a big deal to her - especially if she's the one who landed Jesse in trouble.
She looks up at him from under her hair, a little embarrassed by what he's saying.]
I...I can keep my head under pressure. Tha's all. [Her head is starting to spin a little, but every blink sends her spinning, so she forces herself to keep watching Jesse. She thinks about what she said about Jesse when he confessed. She's such an ass...] Sorry.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-20 05:19 am (UTC)It doesn't paint a good picture, but El seems like she can handle herself pretty well. He doesn't want her thinking he sees her as weak or anything, even if he's not sure she'd ask for his help even if she actually needed it. She doesn't seem like the type, but Jesse's usually pretty good at reading people so he lets it go for now. He cringes a little at the sight of his own blood spattering El's clothing. He's not sure if it's worse that he ruined her clothes or that it's his blood that ruined them. ]
Peroxide's sometimes good at, uh, gettin' out blood stains. Peroxide and cold water. Warm'll make it set in. I mean, the hoodie's done for but you might be able to salvage the rest...
[ He gestures to her other clothing. ]
Can't say I have any real pretty hoodies. I mean, I have some sparkly shit but. Pretty sure it'll all be pretty big on you. It's all pretty big on me.
[ He thinks for a minute, wrinkling up his nose. Yeah, that's probably not gonna cut it. ]
I can toss you some cash, though. Then you can buy whatever clothes you want.
[ Jesse pauses when El apologizes suddenly and he furrows his brows, shifting on the bed so he can turn towards her a little more, where she's sitting off to the side. It doesn't even occur to him what she's apologizing for. He's already forgotten what she said to him. Mainly because of the pain but also, sadly, he's kind of used to having fucked up shit said to him. Even worse than what she'd said, usually. Mr. White has a habit of reminding Jesse of what a worthless junkie idiot he is whenever things don't go as planned. Jesse's grown kind of used to it. ]
Sorry for what?
This one might be a little. Dramatic? Let me know if I should change
Date: 2023-03-20 06:23 am (UTC)It's insulting, in some deep-set way that stretches back to the mountains that birthed her. Money for a little blood? What, is she some kind of mercenary, so cruel she'd wring coin from an injured man for a stained hoodie? What's more upsetting is that she wants to agree, just so she has more dope money. How much can she claim the gas station tie-dye was worth? Is it enough to buy an ounce? A gram? Is it enough to make the rest of her life go away for a few hours? Forever? She can feel the rage growing in her stomach.]
Are you stupid? [She slurs, instead of answering that other question, or telling him yes so she can resume her cycles.] To a junkie?! All I'm gonna do is buy dope with it! Better light it on fire, you'll get more out of it!
[Her voice deepens as she shouts, frays, and she sits back with a hard thump of her palms against her forehead. If Jesse clocks her off her voice... God. This is how she ruined every one of her relationships and this is how she'll keep ruining them. All because he was trying to be nice.]
I'm all for drama!
Date: 2023-03-20 07:36 am (UTC)I'm not fuckin' stupid, yo! I'm just tryin' t'be nice! It's not like you came to me trying to get off the stuff. Christ, I met you at a house party so don't go acting like I pulled your ass out of an NA meeting or some shit. What you do with your cash is your fuckin' business, same with me.
[ He picks up on the deepening of El's voice, but doesn't question it. He's been around all types of people and, as someone who isn't prejudiced towards anybody in particular, it doesn't sink in that she might be different than any other chick her age. Transphobic people are more likely to pick out any subtle differences, and Jesse just isn't the type. Not to mention, he's too busy getting pissed at all the assumptions it feels like El is making about him. ]
You wanna get clean, then do it. You can't expect other people to make that shit easy for you 'cause it's not! It's fuckin' hard. You think people on the streets who lost everything to drugs want to be in that position? They're in it 'cause some people can't stop. Some people--some people only stop when it kills 'em.
[ Jesse's voice trembles on that last part, threatening to break. He alerts his gaze as he tries to blink away the threat of tears, eyes going glassy. Of course he's thinking about Jane. It's been a long time, but it still hurts sometimes. He wonders why he does this to himself--if it's worth it surrounding himself with people he knows will probably i y end uo dead if they don't change just because he doesn't want to live in his own head with his dark thought and darker memories. ]
Re: I'm all for drama!
Date: 2023-03-20 01:38 pm (UTC)...your party's the safest place I've been in months, why do you think I go? [No room with her uncle is safe. She can't sleep near him unless she uses, and wakes up panicking about what might have happened while she was out.
Fuck this, she decides suddenly, and decides to employ conflict resolution by getting up and walking the fuck out the door. It's easier said than done, and she just ends up leaning against the wall.]
Sorry about this. [She gestures at herself, a clumsy motion where she hits her own chest. Ugh.]