[ Jesse tries to focus on what El's saying, and he does pick up bits and pieces here and there, but at points his hearing goes fuzzy, a ringing in his ears as he struggles to stay conscious. If he hadn't lost so much damn blood, he'd just let himself give in to sleep. But he's a little scared that he might not wake up if he allows himself to drift off. So he tries to talk, focusing on the conversation as best as he can. ]
Cali, huh? Well how'd you end up in Albuquerque? Get sick of the beach?
[ He winces at the burning pain in his arm, which crescendos occasionally as the guy fishes around his bullet wound for debris. Jesse hisses and then cries out suddenly, grabbing El's hand instead of the blanket. The doctor chides Jesse for moving around too much and Jesse glares at him. If looks could kill, the guy would have dropped dead right then and there. The doctor informs El that he can see the bullet fragments and has to get them out before he can clean and flush the wound and stitch him up.
He yells hoarsely, trying not to squirm as the bullet fragments are retrieved, finally, and the doctor goes about starting an IV so he can give him blood before he cleans the wound and starts repairing the damage. He comments that he's lucky his upper arm wasn't shattered in the process, but this whole thing feels like anything but luck. ]
Jesus, fuck!
[ Jesse curses hoarsely, but the worst of it is over relatively quickly even if he's left pale and panting, tears threatening to overflow in his shockingly vivid blue eyes. ]
My uncle. [The words are terse - she doesn't elaborate, but the set of her jaw hints at anger, the widening of her eyes fear - but who would see that in so much pain? The look on his face disturbs her as he glares at the doctorshe looks away, before he can stare at her like that.
She keeps talking, squeezing back. It's all stupid stuff, anecdotes about California. As Jesse gasps and shivers, the doc turns to her.]
Can you babysit for the next couple of days?
[El hesitates. If she's not back soon enough there's going to be a reckoning from her uncle, assuming he doesn't go looking for her. As the doctor's face shifts, however, she nods. She'll figure it out.]
Then go get a glass of water.
[She gives Jesse's hand a last squeeze and goes to follow directions. While she's gone, the doctor pulls out two bottles.]
For pain and infection. Instructions are on the bottles. Where do you want them so your little friend doesn't down them all?
[ Jesse asks, conversing through the pain though he's not absorbing much of the conversation. He probably won't remember most of what they were talking about once he gets his head together and is better able to focus. For now, not dying is taking precedence over everything else. He'll remember her being there for him, though, and the feel of her hand in his as he clamps down on it to get through the worst parts. The truth is, nobody's ever really stuck by him when the shit hit the fan. People want to reap the benefits of the things he's been through, but when shit gets dark and messy and painful, he's largely been on his own.
He looks at the doctor, who cleans him up and then holds out the medication. ]
I'll just hang onto 'em. Thanks. You remember your way out or..?
[ Jesse'll probably end up flushing the painkillers. He hasn't touched opiates since Jane died. Not even when doctors at the hospital tried to push them at him repeatedly. He knows better than to refuse to take the bottle, but its his business what he does with them once the doctor leaves. He shoves the painkillers into his pants pocket and then opens the antibiotics, taking a pill out and waiting for El to get back with the water.
In the meantime, the doctor cleans up his supplies, explaining to Jesse how to remove the IV once the blood bag is empty. ]
...yeah. [There's a lot more to the story, mostly so horrible it sounds like a bad joke to her, a nightmare she still hasn't woken up from.
She gets back as the doctor leaves - he doesn't give her a second glance, just walks away. She sets her jaw but walks on, holding out the bottle to Jesse, though she has to brace one arm on the wall.]
Here. Anything I can do right now? [She forgot how good it feels to be useful.]
[ Jesse knows there's got to be more to the story, but he's in no state of mind to go fishing for information right now, and he's pretty sure she'd tell him more if she felt like talking about it, so he pushes aside his curiosity, watching as the doctor bandages him up and then packs his things. He leaves some spare gauze and supplies with instructions to change the bandage daily. Then he's gone. Jesse didnt even get the guy's name. But that's usually how things go with the people that Saul sends. They're all strictly business.
Jesse doesn't really even get the chance to thank the guy properly, but it doesn't really matter because El kept him alive til the guy got there. He's going to have to make it up to her somehow, even if he knows she'll probably protest at least a little. Free tacos doesn't seem like a big enough thank you.
Jesse's looking a lot better now. He's still in pain, but he's not sweating anymore and the color's returning to his face. He grimaced as he pushes himself up a little so he's more reclining than laying flat. ]
I dunno...keep me company? I mean, I know you probably have stuff to do but, like, I don't think you should leave tonight. Especially with us not knowing which one of us those fuckers were after yet.
[ He sets the pills down on the side table next to the water. ]
What 'bout you...there, uh...there anything you need? I owe you.
[There's visible hesitation in El as Jesse tells her to stay the night.] Ain't that I don't want to... just gonna have to answer questions I don't want to.
[She's afraid of lying down, though, or closing her eyes, so she sits by the bed and blinks slowly. Now that the scramble is over she's really feeling the shot--the drink. Hah.]
A new hoodie. [It's a joke. She shrugs and puts her arms on the bed.] I don't know. I was just there.
If it's gonna get you in trouble, then maybe you can just, uh, come back later? Check in on me or somethin'?
[ Even though the doctor left explicit instructions that he shouldn't be left alone, well, he doesn't want to be the reason that El has to deal with bullshit once she goes home if he can avoid it. He doesn't want her getting hurt if she leaves, either, but it's not like he's holding her hostage. Whatever she does, he wants to make sure that it's what she wants--her choice. That matters to him.
Jesse laughs when El says a new hoodie and he nods, even though it's a joke. ]
Yeah I don't think the blood's gettin' outta that one any time soon. You can have one of mine if you want. Got a whole closet full.
[ He notes the slur in her words, but doesn't ask about it. They've both just been through a whole lot. He reaches with his good arm to grab the glass of water, swallowing down a few sips before he checks the blood level in the bag that's still draining into his arm. It's still half-full, so he's stuck in bed for a while longer. ]
Yeah, that's my point. You were there. You didn't bolt on me. You could've just run or got outta the car or froze up. Pretty sure I woulda bled out if it wasn't for you.
...I'll figure it out later. [A sudden wave of rage at her uncle sweeps through her - she'd had an apartment and a job and a life and now she was scared of staying out too long. It's like she's twelve all over again, trying to figure out the steps to a dance she's set up to lose.
She looks down at herself for a long moment, hesitating. There's smears and drops of blood on the rest of her outfit. The pastel skirt she slapped over her jeans to provide - some kind of femininity has a smear across it. Her shirt survived, but it's thin and she knows it's a man's cut and she doesn't want to think about the way her shoulders look in it. The tie-dye hoodie was silly, but Nick hadn't taken it from her. All said...she doesn't know if she actually wants one of Jesse's.]
Only if it's pretty enough. [She smiles, but really, it isn't a big deal to her - especially if she's the one who landed Jesse in trouble.
She looks up at him from under her hair, a little embarrassed by what he's saying.]
I...I can keep my head under pressure. Tha's all. [Her head is starting to spin a little, but every blink sends her spinning, so she forces herself to keep watching Jesse. She thinks about what she said about Jesse when he confessed. She's such an ass...] Sorry.
[ Jesse nods at El's answer and leaves it at that. She knows best how to deal with things with her uncle. Jesse doesn't know the guy. Not personally, anyway. He only 'knows' him vicariously through what El's told him and by building a mental image based on his experiences with other people like him, involved in the trade.
It doesn't paint a good picture, but El seems like she can handle herself pretty well. He doesn't want her thinking he sees her as weak or anything, even if he's not sure she'd ask for his help even if she actually needed it. She doesn't seem like the type, but Jesse's usually pretty good at reading people so he lets it go for now. He cringes a little at the sight of his own blood spattering El's clothing. He's not sure if it's worse that he ruined her clothes or that it's his blood that ruined them. ]
Peroxide's sometimes good at, uh, gettin' out blood stains. Peroxide and cold water. Warm'll make it set in. I mean, the hoodie's done for but you might be able to salvage the rest...
[ He gestures to her other clothing. ]
Can't say I have any real pretty hoodies. I mean, I have some sparkly shit but. Pretty sure it'll all be pretty big on you. It's all pretty big on me.
[ He thinks for a minute, wrinkling up his nose. Yeah, that's probably not gonna cut it. ]
I can toss you some cash, though. Then you can buy whatever clothes you want.
[ Jesse pauses when El apologizes suddenly and he furrows his brows, shifting on the bed so he can turn towards her a little more, where she's sitting off to the side. It doesn't even occur to him what she's apologizing for. He's already forgotten what she said to him. Mainly because of the pain but also, sadly, he's kind of used to having fucked up shit said to him. Even worse than what she'd said, usually. Mr. White has a habit of reminding Jesse of what a worthless junkie idiot he is whenever things don't go as planned. Jesse's grown kind of used to it. ]
[Oh, she's definitely drunk now. Ellie listens to Jesse ramble, a little delayed, but she twitches up to stare at him when he says he can toss her some cash.
It's insulting, in some deep-set way that stretches back to the mountains that birthed her. Money for a little blood? What, is she some kind of mercenary, so cruel she'd wring coin from an injured man for a stained hoodie? What's more upsetting is that she wants to agree, just so she has more dope money. How much can she claim the gas station tie-dye was worth? Is it enough to buy an ounce? A gram? Is it enough to make the rest of her life go away for a few hours? Forever? She can feel the rage growing in her stomach.]
Are you stupid? [She slurs, instead of answering that other question, or telling him yes so she can resume her cycles.] To a junkie?! All I'm gonna do is buy dope with it! Better light it on fire, you'll get more out of it!
[Her voice deepens as she shouts, frays, and she sits back with a hard thump of her palms against her forehead. If Jesse clocks her off her voice... God. This is how she ruined every one of her relationships and this is how she'll keep ruining them. All because he was trying to be nice.]
[ Are You stupid? The line echoes in Jesse's head, his gaze going blank as he replays every time Mr. White called him an idiot or made him feel like he'd never amount to anything. That all he's good for is cooking and selling meth and how he can't even get that right half the time. He feels his blood start to boil, his breaths starting to pick up pace. He grits his teeth, setting his jaw as El keeps going. The sudden rise in her voice makes him flinch and he bellows back at her suddenly. ]
I'm not fuckin' stupid, yo! I'm just tryin' t'be nice! It's not like you came to me trying to get off the stuff. Christ, I met you at a house party so don't go acting like I pulled your ass out of an NA meeting or some shit. What you do with your cash is your fuckin' business, same with me.
[ He picks up on the deepening of El's voice, but doesn't question it. He's been around all types of people and, as someone who isn't prejudiced towards anybody in particular, it doesn't sink in that she might be different than any other chick her age. Transphobic people are more likely to pick out any subtle differences, and Jesse just isn't the type. Not to mention, he's too busy getting pissed at all the assumptions it feels like El is making about him. ]
You wanna get clean, then do it. You can't expect other people to make that shit easy for you 'cause it's not! It's fuckin' hard. You think people on the streets who lost everything to drugs want to be in that position? They're in it 'cause some people can't stop. Some people--some people only stop when it kills 'em.
[ Jesse's voice trembles on that last part, threatening to break. He alerts his gaze as he tries to blink away the threat of tears, eyes going glassy. Of course he's thinking about Jane. It's been a long time, but it still hurts sometimes. He wonders why he does this to himself--if it's worth it surrounding himself with people he knows will probably i y end uo dead if they don't change just because he doesn't want to live in his own head with his dark thought and darker memories. ]
I-- [El stops, watching Jesse blink back tears, feeling like she's just had the floor dropped out from under her. How many times had she made her little brother and sister cry like this while she was drunk? How she used to yell because it was still better than their parents?]
...your party's the safest place I've been in months, why do you think I go? [No room with her uncle is safe. She can't sleep near him unless she uses, and wakes up panicking about what might have happened while she was out.
Fuck this, she decides suddenly, and decides to employ conflict resolution by getting up and walking the fuck out the door. It's easier said than done, and she just ends up leaning against the wall.]
Sorry about this. [She gestures at herself, a clumsy motion where she hits her own chest. Ugh.]
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zvi
no subject
Date: 2023-03-15 04:58 am (UTC)Cali, huh? Well how'd you end up in Albuquerque? Get sick of the beach?
[ He winces at the burning pain in his arm, which crescendos occasionally as the guy fishes around his bullet wound for debris. Jesse hisses and then cries out suddenly, grabbing El's hand instead of the blanket. The doctor chides Jesse for moving around too much and Jesse glares at him. If looks could kill, the guy would have dropped dead right then and there. The doctor informs El that he can see the bullet fragments and has to get them out before he can clean and flush the wound and stitch him up.
He yells hoarsely, trying not to squirm as the bullet fragments are retrieved, finally, and the doctor goes about starting an IV so he can give him blood before he cleans the wound and starts repairing the damage. He comments that he's lucky his upper arm wasn't shattered in the process, but this whole thing feels like anything but luck. ]
Jesus, fuck!
[ Jesse curses hoarsely, but the worst of it is over relatively quickly even if he's left pale and panting, tears threatening to overflow in his shockingly vivid blue eyes. ]
Finished s5 and El Camino!! Omg Jesse:(
Date: 2023-03-15 04:38 pm (UTC)are terse - she doesn't elaborate, but the set of her jaw hints at anger, the widening of her eyes fear - but who would see that in so much pain? The look on his face disturbs her as he glares at the doctorshe looks away, before he can stare at her like that.
She keeps talking, squeezing back. It's all stupid stuff, anecdotes about California. As Jesse gasps and shivers, the doc turns to her.]
Can you babysit for the next couple of days?
[El hesitates. If she's not back soon enough there's going to be a reckoning from her uncle, assuming he doesn't go looking for her. As the doctor's face shifts, however, she nods. She'll figure it out.]
Then go get a glass of water.
[She gives Jesse's hand a last squeeze and goes to follow directions. While she's gone, the doctor pulls out two bottles.]
For pain and infection. Instructions are on the bottles. Where do you want them so your little friend doesn't down them all?
oof, yeah. i have a journal for a post-series jesse too.
Date: 2023-03-15 08:09 pm (UTC)[ Jesse asks, conversing through the pain though he's not absorbing much of the conversation. He probably won't remember most of what they were talking about once he gets his head together and is better able to focus. For now, not dying is taking precedence over everything else. He'll remember her being there for him, though, and the feel of her hand in his as he clamps down on it to get through the worst parts. The truth is, nobody's ever really stuck by him when the shit hit the fan. People want to reap the benefits of the things he's been through, but when shit gets dark and messy and painful, he's largely been on his own.
He looks at the doctor, who cleans him up and then holds out the medication. ]
I'll just hang onto 'em. Thanks. You remember your way out or..?
[ Jesse'll probably end up flushing the painkillers. He hasn't touched opiates since Jane died. Not even when doctors at the hospital tried to push them at him repeatedly. He knows better than to refuse to take the bottle, but its his business what he does with them once the doctor leaves. He shoves the painkillers into his pants pocket and then opens the antibiotics, taking a pill out and waiting for El to get back with the water.
In the meantime, the doctor cleans up his supplies, explaining to Jesse how to remove the IV once the blood bag is empty. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-16 05:12 am (UTC)She gets back as the doctor leaves - he doesn't give her a second glance, just walks away. She sets her jaw but walks on, holding out the bottle to Jesse, though she has to brace one arm on the wall.]
Here. Anything I can do right now? [She forgot how good it feels to be useful.]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-16 08:33 am (UTC)Jesse doesn't really even get the chance to thank the guy properly, but it doesn't really matter because El kept him alive til the guy got there. He's going to have to make it up to her somehow, even if he knows she'll probably protest at least a little. Free tacos doesn't seem like a big enough thank you.
Jesse's looking a lot better now. He's still in pain, but he's not sweating anymore and the color's returning to his face. He grimaced as he pushes himself up a little so he's more reclining than laying flat. ]
I dunno...keep me company? I mean, I know you probably have stuff to do but, like, I don't think you should leave tonight. Especially with us not knowing which one of us those fuckers were after yet.
[ He sets the pills down on the side table next to the water. ]
What 'bout you...there, uh...there anything you need? I owe you.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-16 03:37 pm (UTC)[She's afraid of lying down, though, or closing her eyes, so she sits by the bed and blinks slowly. Now that the scramble is over she's really feeling the shot--the drink. Hah.]
A new hoodie. [It's a joke. She shrugs and puts her arms on the bed.] I don't know. I was just there.
[Her words slur, just a little.]
no subject
Date: 2023-03-17 11:34 pm (UTC)[ Even though the doctor left explicit instructions that he shouldn't be left alone, well, he doesn't want to be the reason that El has to deal with bullshit once she goes home if he can avoid it. He doesn't want her getting hurt if she leaves, either, but it's not like he's holding her hostage. Whatever she does, he wants to make sure that it's what she wants--her choice. That matters to him.
Jesse laughs when El says a new hoodie and he nods, even though it's a joke. ]
Yeah I don't think the blood's gettin' outta that one any time soon. You can have one of mine if you want. Got a whole closet full.
[ He notes the slur in her words, but doesn't ask about it. They've both just been through a whole lot. He reaches with his good arm to grab the glass of water, swallowing down a few sips before he checks the blood level in the bag that's still draining into his arm. It's still half-full, so he's stuck in bed for a while longer. ]
Yeah, that's my point. You were there. You didn't bolt on me. You could've just run or got outta the car or froze up. Pretty sure I woulda bled out if it wasn't for you.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-18 12:57 am (UTC)She looks down at herself for a long moment, hesitating. There's smears and drops of blood on the rest of her outfit. The pastel skirt she slapped over her jeans to provide - some kind of femininity has a smear across it. Her shirt survived, but it's thin and she knows it's a man's cut and she doesn't want to think about the way her shoulders look in it. The tie-dye hoodie was silly, but Nick hadn't taken it from her. All said...she doesn't know if she actually wants one of Jesse's.]
Only if it's pretty enough. [She smiles, but really, it isn't a big deal to her - especially if she's the one who landed Jesse in trouble.
She looks up at him from under her hair, a little embarrassed by what he's saying.]
I...I can keep my head under pressure. Tha's all. [Her head is starting to spin a little, but every blink sends her spinning, so she forces herself to keep watching Jesse. She thinks about what she said about Jesse when he confessed. She's such an ass...] Sorry.
no subject
Date: 2023-03-20 05:19 am (UTC)It doesn't paint a good picture, but El seems like she can handle herself pretty well. He doesn't want her thinking he sees her as weak or anything, even if he's not sure she'd ask for his help even if she actually needed it. She doesn't seem like the type, but Jesse's usually pretty good at reading people so he lets it go for now. He cringes a little at the sight of his own blood spattering El's clothing. He's not sure if it's worse that he ruined her clothes or that it's his blood that ruined them. ]
Peroxide's sometimes good at, uh, gettin' out blood stains. Peroxide and cold water. Warm'll make it set in. I mean, the hoodie's done for but you might be able to salvage the rest...
[ He gestures to her other clothing. ]
Can't say I have any real pretty hoodies. I mean, I have some sparkly shit but. Pretty sure it'll all be pretty big on you. It's all pretty big on me.
[ He thinks for a minute, wrinkling up his nose. Yeah, that's probably not gonna cut it. ]
I can toss you some cash, though. Then you can buy whatever clothes you want.
[ Jesse pauses when El apologizes suddenly and he furrows his brows, shifting on the bed so he can turn towards her a little more, where she's sitting off to the side. It doesn't even occur to him what she's apologizing for. He's already forgotten what she said to him. Mainly because of the pain but also, sadly, he's kind of used to having fucked up shit said to him. Even worse than what she'd said, usually. Mr. White has a habit of reminding Jesse of what a worthless junkie idiot he is whenever things don't go as planned. Jesse's grown kind of used to it. ]
Sorry for what?
This one might be a little. Dramatic? Let me know if I should change
Date: 2023-03-20 06:23 am (UTC)It's insulting, in some deep-set way that stretches back to the mountains that birthed her. Money for a little blood? What, is she some kind of mercenary, so cruel she'd wring coin from an injured man for a stained hoodie? What's more upsetting is that she wants to agree, just so she has more dope money. How much can she claim the gas station tie-dye was worth? Is it enough to buy an ounce? A gram? Is it enough to make the rest of her life go away for a few hours? Forever? She can feel the rage growing in her stomach.]
Are you stupid? [She slurs, instead of answering that other question, or telling him yes so she can resume her cycles.] To a junkie?! All I'm gonna do is buy dope with it! Better light it on fire, you'll get more out of it!
[Her voice deepens as she shouts, frays, and she sits back with a hard thump of her palms against her forehead. If Jesse clocks her off her voice... God. This is how she ruined every one of her relationships and this is how she'll keep ruining them. All because he was trying to be nice.]
I'm all for drama!
Date: 2023-03-20 07:36 am (UTC)I'm not fuckin' stupid, yo! I'm just tryin' t'be nice! It's not like you came to me trying to get off the stuff. Christ, I met you at a house party so don't go acting like I pulled your ass out of an NA meeting or some shit. What you do with your cash is your fuckin' business, same with me.
[ He picks up on the deepening of El's voice, but doesn't question it. He's been around all types of people and, as someone who isn't prejudiced towards anybody in particular, it doesn't sink in that she might be different than any other chick her age. Transphobic people are more likely to pick out any subtle differences, and Jesse just isn't the type. Not to mention, he's too busy getting pissed at all the assumptions it feels like El is making about him. ]
You wanna get clean, then do it. You can't expect other people to make that shit easy for you 'cause it's not! It's fuckin' hard. You think people on the streets who lost everything to drugs want to be in that position? They're in it 'cause some people can't stop. Some people--some people only stop when it kills 'em.
[ Jesse's voice trembles on that last part, threatening to break. He alerts his gaze as he tries to blink away the threat of tears, eyes going glassy. Of course he's thinking about Jane. It's been a long time, but it still hurts sometimes. He wonders why he does this to himself--if it's worth it surrounding himself with people he knows will probably i y end uo dead if they don't change just because he doesn't want to live in his own head with his dark thought and darker memories. ]
Re: I'm all for drama!
Date: 2023-03-20 01:38 pm (UTC)...your party's the safest place I've been in months, why do you think I go? [No room with her uncle is safe. She can't sleep near him unless she uses, and wakes up panicking about what might have happened while she was out.
Fuck this, she decides suddenly, and decides to employ conflict resolution by getting up and walking the fuck out the door. It's easier said than done, and she just ends up leaning against the wall.]
Sorry about this. [She gestures at herself, a clumsy motion where she hits her own chest. Ugh.]